The Last Year

Last year we went to visit my cousins and go to the water park. This is what it looked like:

Things I worried about:

  • Driving on the highway for 3 hours, and my boyfriend was the one actually driving. The whole time I sat in the car super tense, or with my eyes closed, practicing deep breathing.
  • Plans with my cousins, and how everything would work out (being late, not doing what they wanted to etc.)
  • Losing the keys for our friend’s apartment that we were staying in
  • Drowning at the pool
  • People at the pool judging my body
  • The fact that I wasn’t using that time to look for a job
  • We didn’t have any money

It sucked. I had just finished university and the student loans were spent. My boyfriend was busy with school.

Shortly before that, I had decided that since we wouldn’t be having kids for at least a year, I would spend the next year getting myself together physically and mentally so that I would be ready for kids when my boyfriend was ready. I knew that my chances of getting post-partum anxiety or depression were really high, and if I was to live through it, I would need some skills to deal with it. Spending time with kids always made me anxious, though I loved it so much. I had to change that. There was no way I would be able to stay off medication when I had kids if I didn’t try to figure out my anxiety without it.

I’m so proud of myself for the million ways that I’ve changed in the last year. I feel great, and much more centred. Here are some words, things that are easier for me now:

  • Intentional
  • Content
  • Spiritual
  • Relaxed
  • Happy
  • Fit
  • Healthy
  • Productive
  • Helpful
  • Understanding
  • Positive
  • Challenge
  • Change

I see such a huge difference in one year. It took a ton of hard work, but I really wanted it. I never thought that I would be able to deal with my anxiety this well, and decrease it this much. It wasn’t easy, and I did it. I asked for help, I spent a lot of time thinking, I tried new things. We’re not planning to have kids any time soon, but I’m so glad that it motivated me to change my life and get my ducks in a row. Every bit we wait gives me more time to improve myself so that I will be a better person, wife and mother.

Life’s not perfect, but now I know that I can solve my problems, even when they seem impossible.


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