I’ve not been doing well lately. Wedding planning is in full swing. It’s going well, but takes a lot of my energy. Home renos are really slow and I don’t feel like I have any control. I also don’t have energy to do them. My house is a dusty, freezing disaster. Work was rough, but is improving. The weather is awful and really not helping. There’s a lot going on and I can’t handle it all.
I talked to my doctor about medication, and he said that I should do counselling first and see how that went. I agreed. Medications have too many side effects and I feel that while I’m bad enough now that I think it would help, all my problems are situational and you can’t keep going on and off medications all the time. So I had my first session with my new short-term phone counselor last Friday. I think I should have a long-term in-person counselor because these guys are only meant to help you with one problem, and then you’re “fixed.” And that’s not me. I wants someone who knows my problems who I can see once a week or once a month as I need them, and they know all about me and they know my back story.
So this counselor was lovely, and gave me some homework. An anxiety inventory tool and a depression inventory tool. I thought, “Ok I’ll be pretty high on the anxiety chart, but I don’t think I’m depressed. I’ll do it just because she wants me to.” Turns out I scored on the high end of the depression scale. Lots of symptoms I thought were anxiety, are actually depression. Things like inferiority, guilt, and indecisiveness are symptoms of depression. For the anxiety I was “severely anxious.” No surprise there.
Now I’m stuck thinking about how to manage this. I’m *this* close to tears at any given moment. I’m no closer to actually getting anything done. I don’t want to leave my bed in the morning. I have zero emotional energy left for anyone else. It’s awful to be sending emails and not be able to think about how anything will sound to other people. Especially since I’m doing all this wedding stuff.
It’s awful and I don’t want it to get worse, but I feel like I’m going to have to wait this one out. I’m thankful that I still feel pretty rational, even if I have no emotional energy to be nice.
Through all of this, Jeremy is so supportive. He gives me hugs and cuddles and tells me I’m a good person. He doesn’t tell me to just cheer up, or get over it. If things were’t as good with him, I’d be on medication immediately. At least I know this wedding is a good idea 🙂