I just wrote a post about how I feel very lucky to have been born into my particular circumstances, and how I feel sometimes that all that good luck will catch up with me and all the terrible things will happen. Then I have to expect good things. I think there’s a parallel with my self-concept. Let me explain.
I have good self-esteem physically. I have nothing to complain about, or at least nothing to complain about that’s difficult to fix. And I know that I could fix any complaints with a little exercise and healthy eating. My self-esteem related to my personality and personal traits is not as healthy. Most of the time I fee like I’m severely lacking in people skills (like being nice, listening, not being weird and awkward). I think it comes from my tendency to be really hard on myself, my general anxiety and paranoia, as well as my ability to see many things I need work on and want to improve. Everyone who I’ve mentioned this to disagrees with me, which is a good thing. I don’t go fishing for compliments. I genuinely believe I have a lot of room for improvement, but my friends (I really do have some great ones) tell me it’s not as bad as I think it is.
Since I was a shy child, I have told myself that I’m awkward. But I try really hard not to be awkward and most of the time I succeed. I still see myself as awkward. Since I’m honest, I have told myself that my honesty is mean. But I try really hard to be tactful and not say things that are rude or unnecessary. Since I think that a good way to let people know I understand what they’re saying is to relate a similar story of my own, I have told myself that I’m selfish and a bad conversational partner. But I try really hard to notice if someone is enjoying a conversation, and to validate their feelings.
So even though I’m always trying my best to understand how my actions are affecting others, I don’t always have faith in myself. I need to expect good things from myself. And not only expect good things, but I also need to recognize the good things. Trying my hardest is good enough.